It
was a cool October morning in 1956 that I arrived at the College at about 8.0
o’clock. I walked up the drive and
turned to the right of the old building and headed towards the new wing.
I looked up to the third storey of that red brick building and saw a long
string of toilet paper hanging from a window and fluttering in the breeze. There
appeared to be red marks on the paper but from where I was it was difficult to
identify. As I got closer to the
classroom area I noticed several pupils pointing upwards and talking in excited
tones. I recognized a couple of the
boarders that were in my upper fifth class.
I
approached and asked one of them what was going on.
He told me that there was writing on the toilet paper that announced
“The Phantom Arsehole Strikes”. As
other boys came down the stairs one of them announced that there was a huge
human stool in the middle of the white-tiled floor of the boy’s toilet.
Everyone was horrified and enthralled at the same time.
What did it mean?
That
September we had all witnessed the arrival of a blond-haired Irish Christian
Brother that spoke with a distinct American accent.
He was immediately christened “The Yank”.
That in itself was unusual because most Christian Brothers were
nick-named “Joe-something or other”. This
man gained a bad reputation almost instantly by demanding that we stood to
attention when he arrived on the scene and awaited his instructions.
His favourite expression was “Get up on your two dirty feet you big
yahoo”. He was not embraced by the
student body as a man to be admired. He
quickly fell foul of all of us and he was despised by some.
When
he embarked upon a drive to reform the behavior of the whole of the student body
he became a target. It was the
general belief that someone had decided to put The Yank in his place and had
resorted to very basic bodily functions to make a point. Psychiatrists recognize
this a peculiar form of protest. Depositing
a stool on the washroom floor should
have indicated something in the mind of someone..
The
school buzzed with opinions as to what happened.
Next
day another string of toilet paper fluttered in the breeze declaring “The
Phantom Arsehole strikes again”. Once
more a huge human turd was discovered in the centre of the toilet floor.
The excitement grew.
Next
day Irish Christian Brothers patrolled the toilet from early morning.
The pupils were disappointed. That
was until a second period physical education class reported finding a large
human stool deposited in a shower stall. The Phantom had stuck again.
Patrols
were organized by bringing in lay teachers early every morning.
Toilets, showers and all considered potential sites were policed.
Even prefects were asked to join the patrols. Pupils were disappointed
that Phantom had been checked. Then
the caretaker during the regular performance of his duties discovered several
deposits on the roof of the school. The
student body cheered. The Phantom
had prevailed.
Throughout
the year, deposits were discovered in various places on the school
grounds. Rumour had it that one
morning a stool had been found still steaming in the cold morning air in the
bogs near the bike sheds. The Yank
was beside himself and demanded that someone come forward to expose the culprit.
The truth was that none of the pupils knew who the Phantom was.
The Yank’s health deteriorated.
The
Phantom continued to strike regularly throughout the year.
Pupils’ interest declined but on the last day of the school year, when
the Bishop himself attended the school sports day, it was revealed that the
Phantom struck for the last time by depositing a large sample at the base of the
schoolyard drinking fountain.
It
was said that
The Yank ended up in Victoria Hospital.
Whether that was true or not, I don’t know, but
The Yank did not return
to St. Joseph’s College Blackpool for a second term of office.
This
episode at St. Joe’s can be confirmed by any of my contemporaries.